From 0 to 100k - Part 5: Dealing With Unemployment and Ramping Up Training

Beautiful coastline on Motion Path.

As the calendar turned to June 2020, I was coming off the high of completing the Limitless Vertical Challenge the previous week while simultaneously beginning to come to grips with the fact that I was less than two weeks from being unemployed for the first time in my life.

The first week of the month was mostly spent allowing my body some recovery time from all the climbing I'd done during the challenge, while beginning to tie up any loose ends and preparing handover notes for my projects at work.

I had a session with my psychologist during the middle of that week, and I remember him asking me what my first feeling was when I found out I was losing my job. It took me a second to respond, but the answer that I ended up giving him was, "Relieved."

In hindsight, that response was very much a reaction to the feelings I had been experiencing relative to my work over the previous months and years. As the pandemic had dragged on and the impacts on my industry intensified, it was really only a matter of time before I was going to end up being let go. On top of that, I had felt that a change in my work situation was probably for the best for a long time, so in a way, this was an external driver to hopefully push me in that direction.

(I must also reiterate once again that I'm extremely privileged, and was very fortunate to be under no immediate financial pressure with the loss of my job. I understand that my feelings would be much different if that were not the case.)

I finished out that first week of June with my first trail run between Maddox Cove and Cape Spear. It was an extremely wet and windy day, and as my training schedule called for 2 hours I only got to see about 60% of the trail, but it was definitely nice to get out and escape on the trails for a while.

This shot is obviously from a much nicer day at Cape Spear, later in June.

As I moved through the second week of June, my feelings about the job loss began to evolve, and in ways that didn't necessarily make sense to me. I started to experience strong feelings of both guilt and a lack of direction.

The feeling of guilt came from the idea that I wasn't going to be working as a "productive" member of society. I couldn't really grasp why I was feeling this way, because I have long been a person who doesn't derive a lot of my personal identity from my work. I see myself as a father, brother, friend, dog owner, runner, etc. much more than I see myself as an engineer/worker. But that didn't stop me from having these nagging feelings of guilt.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was coming from me internalizing other people's views. I often use the phrase "importing (or exporting) of values" when talking about our tendency to categorize other people's experiences through our own moral lens. I came to understand that I was doing this regarding my employment situation, and it took some time and effort for me to reconcile these feelings.

The lack of direction I was feeling was even more complicated. For the first time in my entire life, the next step wasn't clearly laid out in front of me. I went from high school to university, from university to my first job, and from my first job right into my second. Any breaks that I had were built into the flow of those systems.

Now, during the week I turned 38, I was facing a path with no defined way, and it terrified me. I had been considering alternate career options for a while, but I'd been too comfortable and complacent to actually pursue them. In my mind, I had countless things I would love to do if I had more spare time, but now that I had the time, I felt lost as to how to put it to good use.

In the short term, this feeling was debilitating. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted for a while, and I had to take a break from my running training to account for that.

In the long term, it is something that I am still dealing with. I spoke about my anxiety at length in Parts 2 and 3 of this series, mainly in the context of social interactions. As I've continued to work with my psychologist through the fall, I've come to understand that I have a high level of anxiety when it comes to making choices as well, even at the smallest level. We are still working through this, and while I'm hopeful it will start to improve soon, it currently impacts me in many aspects of my life. It's a big part of the reason this blog series is taking so long to write!

I'll likely have more to say about that issue in the future. For now, I want to talk about the medium-term solution to my feelings of guilt and lack of direction: to run.

After taking the middle week or so of June off, I dove back into my training hard. My coach had mentioned the idea of adding a second longer run to my weekly schedule earlier in the spring, and with the additional free time that I now had available, it was no problem to fit that in.

Over the course of the next 4 weeks, each weekend consisted of a mid-length run on Friday afternoon followed by my weekly long run on Sunday. It started with a 1.5-hour Friday run and a 3-hour Sunday run, for about 32 km total, and built up to a 2.5-hour Friday run and a 5-hour Sunday run, for nearly 47 km total.

Approaching Flatrock during my first run on Father Troy's Trail.

During those weekends, I got my first runs in on Father Troy's Trail between Torbay and Flatrock, and Motion Path between Petty Harbour and Goulds. I returned to Deadman's Path from Fort Amherst to Blackhead, and the beginning of Long Shore Path from Topsail Beach to Laurie Beach. I got out for a nice run and chat with Ginny, and I got my buddy Justin out for one of his first-ever trail runs.

This was also the period when I absolutely fell in love with Stiles Cove Path. I ran most of the trail on two different days, and the complete trail on a third trip. These were all out and back runs, so any trail that I covered, I got to see it twice, in opposite directions. I spent 12 hours out there and covered a total of 78 km on this one 15 km trail. All three runs were solo, with no music or other distractions. Just me, the trails, and my thoughts. And as it turns out, this was exactly what I needed to cure my feelings of guilt and lack of direction.

Pics like this make it easy to see why I love Stiles Cove Path so much.

Coming off this month of increased training, and making use of my new level of freedom, I planned a trip to Corner Brook for a test run on the Steep Ultra course. My plan was to run the course in the 50 km direction (the 100 km race runs from the 50 km finish line to the start line, and then back) on Friday, July 31. I booked a kennel for Rosi (my bulldog), got a hotel room for the night of the 30th in Corner Brook, and adjusted my training plan accordingly with my coach. If I was going to run 50 km on Friday, my first ever ultra-marathon distance run, the weekend leading up to it would need to be dialled back.

It just so happened that a number of my running friends who were also running Steep were planning an extended training day for that weekend. I was disappointed that I couldn't join them for the full day, but I did venture out to join in some of the experience. Their plan was to do multiple loops on the Biscan Cove Path, between Pouch Cove and Cape St. Francis, so I decided to head up for a loop or two with them.

Unfortunately, this ended up being the first day where I took a bad fall on the trail. The rocks were quite wet that morning, and I slipped on an angled rock and struck most of the left side of my body. The obvious immediate damage was a cut to my finger, which bled profusely but was thankfully pretty minor. The more problematic issues that didn't become as evident until after the run were bruising and swelling to my left shin and forearm/elbow, with the shin becoming quite painful as I walked after the adrenaline from the run wore off. Needless to say, not what I was hoping for on my last long run before my first 50 km outing!

The next few days consisted of a lot of ice (often 3 ice packs at a time) and a sufficient amount of rest. I ended up being lucky, and the effects mostly wore off. My left hand actually ended up being the most problematic, as the cut was accompanied by damage to the knuckle which was going to make it difficult to properly grip a hiking pole. But I wasn't going to let that stop me from heading to Corner Brook.

Life as a trail runner - all of the ice packs!

So, I planned out all the necessary supplies I would need, worked out all the logistics that would be required to run a solo 50 km on the other side of the province, and prepared for an adventure!

The next post will be entirely dedicated to my trip to Corner Brook, as I imagine it will be difficult to keep that to a reasonable length even with no additional story. I know I've been very sporadic in getting these out, so I want to say a huge thanks once again to those who continue to read along. It's always nice to get comments and messages from people who can relate to my experiences; it helps to know we are all in this together.

Until next time, take care.